Animosity Rising

Despite the title, this post is not a vent post.  At lest, it’s not yet.  It’s just a post about how I tend to alienate people while simultaneously making decisions that harm my future.  It’s a fun little game I call “Animosity Rising” and I’ve been playing it at work a lot.

It all starts when I’m not feeling well, or I got like three hours of sleep in two days, or maybe there’s a lot of stress at home for various reasons.  Hell, I’ve had all of the above before.  I’m not excusing why this happens, this is just why it happens.  It’s kind of like road rage, but less rage and minus the car.  You know what I mean, that thin line where one minute everything is bearable and the next minute you’re reacting to things around you based on some illogical sense of animosity.  Yea, that one.

I know it’s happening and I work hard to counteract it.  I utilize my self-talk techniques.  “This person is truly not this annoying, I am just tired. Be polite.”  It works for a short while, but people can still tell something is off.  I’ll get a lot of questions like, “Are you okay today?  You look awful.  Maybe you should have called in?”  That’s never a good sign.  I’m working hard to combat it and I’m obviously failing because it’s so obvious, people can read me like a slutty book that is astonishingly a best seller.  You know what I’m talking about.  They can see right through me.

At any rate, I try my best to keep up the charade.  This generally backfires.  The energy I put into trying to be civilized just wears me out more and I become even more uncivilized.  It’s only a matter of time before something breaks: I snap at someone, I demote myself to a less stressful position, or I start talking really loudly and obnoxiously.  I haven’t truly snapped at anyone in a while, but I did demote myself.  I was all regretful and guilty about this until tonight when I had to work in that job position again due to low numbers of people.  It sucked.  I don’t regret it anymore.

Talking loudly and obnoxiously however, that I’ve been doing very often.  Like on a regular basis kind of often.  So regular that I can turn to my coworker and go, “I’m psychic and I can prove it.  I know exactly what you are thinking right now.”  “What is that?”, they’ll ask.  “Shut up.”  Yup, everytime.  I should start my own phone scam.

This isn’t mania.  I am not Bipolar.  It’s not that being Bipolar (aka Manic Depressive) is a bad thing.  I have family who are and they cope very well.  I am other things.  This behavior is purely a shit ton of frustration pent up and a sense of impending doom as my options run short.  I feel trapped in my current situation and there are many reasons for it.  My job sucks, I don’t get paid enough, the bills are piling up, and I am constantly sick and tired.  Add onto that the fact that I’m sick of living in a sardine can and you have yourself one frustrated and constantly pissed off lady.

I have tried many things.  I have tried to “take my space back” with positive energies and Feng Shui.  It has had limited benefits.  Feng Shui is, in my opinion, just a common sense approach to healthy living.  Fix your drafts, fix your leaky pipes and drips, keep clutter to a minimum.  Pretty easy to understand.  Positive energy is just a conscientious effort to focus yourself on the positive outcomes you want in your life and to create an environment that stimulates that outcome.  Again, pretty straightforward.  I can only practice these techniques in a limited way at this time due to budget (haha, as if I had enough money to have a “budget”), lack of ownership of the apartment I live in, and exhaustion.  Pure, make you want to throw up and pass out exhaustion.  Please don’t be CFIDS.  *crosses fingers and chants*  Please, please, please.

CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome) is a nasty syndrome that I haven’t had to deal with in a decade or more.  I’ve had to deal with other things like Mono, severe allergies, constant upper respiratory issues, etc.  All of this has had a lasting impact on my immune system and I fear it may have triggered a relapse.  How can I possibly know this?  I know because I have surpassed that point in time where I just accept that I am going to be tired, cranky, and hungry all of the time and there’s really not much to be done about it.

I’m tired for health reasons.  I’m cranky for circumstantial reasons.  I’m hungry because my stomach has turned into a PMS’ing bitch that doesn’t know if it’s hungry or wants to try to set me up with the Porcelain King for another night.  Well look at that.. I guess this is a vent post.  Since people are the main reason I vent, it only makes sense to talk about them some more.

People drive me crazy.  If you’ve read any of my posts you already know this.  Despite this, I am thinking of taking a Customer Service job.  That’s how much I hate my current job.  I know that the workforce has been inundated with individuals simply looking for a way to get off Unemployment or get back to work from prison.. etc etc etc.  My problem is that I need something to balance out the negative.  I know that HR is fully aware that I am replaceable and that most things aren’t going to be fixed or even defined in a logical way that ensures a teamwork environment.  But some kind of positive to balance out all of these things would really help out the situation.  Like not feeling like an utter peon.  Being thank for a job well done.  That would be great. /vent

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