The Contagion of Depression

I am feeling super defeated today.  It’s as if there is some super being (like Superman) whose power it is to go around sapping everyone of not only energy, but motivation for life.  Good job Super Defeatist!  You have rid the world of happiness and production once more.  You deserve a medal!

Truly.  It’s easy to say that the events of the past few weeks has gotten to me: being harassed at work, losing my job, being robbed, etc.  You’re told none of this is supposed to get in the way.  Like we are robots. You have to turn that “it matters” switch off by snapping your fingers.  *SNAP*…. SNAP SNAP SNAP.  Nothing.  It still matters.  I guess I’m human afterall, too bad.

There’s this poster at the Chiropractor’s office (the one I can no longer go to because I don’t have any money).  It’s a positively oriented stream-of-conciousness piece.  This lady pretty much just wrote down about 400 things that make her happy and then added some little icons to it.  It sold, I’m shocked.  Oh well, I guess I can give mine a go.  I don’t think it would be as popular.  Rest assured, there are not 400 items on my little list of sunshine.

Why can’t there be a laid out plan that I follow?

Why can’t someone just show me how to do something and I do it all day, feeling satisfied?

Why can’t we exist in life like things were in school?

I’m good at following instruction, regurgitating information: we never really learned anything, did we? We didn’t learn how to think, just how to re-do, how to copy.

Why can’t that be a good quality?

Why does it seem like all the creative and self-reliant methods of making money take so much damn energy?

Why does it drain me so much?

Is it really supposed to be this hard?

Am I really supposed to feel like I’ve given my very soul for nothing?

Why can’t I have happiness like so many other people?

What is the secret formula?

Why can’t they teach that in schools?

Why do I have to always look for the “other”?

Why can’t I be happy with what I have?

Why can’t the world run on a sense of self-fulfilled purpose?

What the hell is the point of money, anyways?

I hate money.

When all you do is for money, there is no satisfaction.

There is no purpose.

Why does the world operate on loneliness, sadness, greed, and corruption?

Why can’t I see all of the other wonderful things in the world?

Why can’t I be apart of that?

There must be something wrong with me.

I have so many wonderful ideas, but no energy left to implement them.

I am drained from worry.

Worrying about money, paying bills, finding real happiness.

I constantly worry if I’m doing the right thing in that given moment.

It’s like if I’m doing something wrong in any given moment, my life will be for nothing.

I’ll miss all my wonderful opportunities if I don’t stay busy, stay active, have constant purpose.

When will quiet be acceptable?

When will doing nothing be alright?

Why can’t we just be?

Why is staying busy equated with quality of work?

Quality is not quantity.

When will people figure that out?

Why don’t we get recognition for working hard?

Why do we have to work for pieces of paper that have no real meaning?

Can’t we work for things that are not tangible but actually have meaning?

Why does the human race put so much value on things that are valueless?

Why do we all go along with it?

When does true purpose, happiness, and satisfaction come into being?

It doesn’t just “arrive”, but what must I do to have it?

I can’t buy it.

I couldn’t even if I were able to, I have no money.

Even when I have money, I am unhappy.

Why does being happy rely on the validation of others?

I can’t stand being around other people, they are all so wrong.

Why is it about right and wrong?

Why can’t it just be about difference of opinion.

Difference of values.

Why can’t people accept and understand difference?

Why can’t I accept other people without having to understand them all the time?

Why am I always trying to make people “right”?

What’s the point in being right?

What do you gain?

Ego.

You don’t even gain measly bits of money.

Only if you can convince other people you are right, even when they know you are not.

Is this world just made for scams?

Are we just supposed to walk around all the time pretending to be what the world thinks is important so we can seem like we fit in?

I just want to be myself.

I couldn’t if I tried: I don’t even know who I am.

When does that happen?

What’s the secret for that one?

How do you know who you are?

How do you balance who you are with social norms?

You cannot survive in a world based on biased perceptions if you don’t find a way to at least fake “fitting in”.

Do I really have to spend all my time faking who I am to be accepted?

To find a good paying job?

To buy a house and have kids.

To give them all my money so they can have a better life, a better start than I did.

Why is that what it’s all about?

Why can’t it be about my happiness here and now?

Why do I have to try to make someone else’s life happy in order to find satisfaction in my own?

Why can’t I just have satisfaction?

Where is my damn Snickers bar?

 

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