No friggin’ clue

I don’t even know what to write. Seriously. I have had this overwhelming feeling of complete mental malaise for well over a month, now.  I can’t seem to put two thoughts together inside my brain, let alone have two worthwhile sentences come out of my mouth.  My mind is so easily overwhelmed by doing things right now and that leaves me in this floating limbo. It feels like my brain is on vacation at some beach resort, gently bobbing down a lazy river while sipping on some alcoholic beverage.  Of course, mental fatigue isn’t the only thing I’m experiencing.

I’ve been having a ton of sensory sensitivity problems as well.  Light, sound, information.. it’s all just painful right now.  I lose my temper at the drop of a hat because of this. I can’t seem to handle artificial light right now and whenever someone is talking to me, I ask them to stop yelling.. but they aren’t yelling. They’re just talking normally and I’m perceiving it much louder. At first, I thought this was because I wear ear plugs and protective glasses at work. Maybe I’m just so accustomed to experiencing a sensory deprivation from these factors, that interacting with the outside world is sending my senses reeling when I don’t have my protective gear on.

Alas, the answer is not so simple. I have had short lived moments where I did not feel so poorly and I was not wearing any protective gear.  The muscle spasms and cramps were gone, the overwhelming need to sleep was gone, and the feeling that just wearing clothes on my skin was painful.. well, was gone too. For a short while.  It always comes back, though… the prickly, agitated skin and the pain from just hearing and seeing what is going on around me.  I feel bad for Hubby right now because I seem to get upset quite often. It’s just that whenever someone is talking to me while I’m doing something else, well, it makes my brain hurt and then my blood starts to boil.  I feel like one, huge exposed, raw nerve.  I just wish it would all stop.

I wish the onslaught of unnecessary thinking would stop as well. It seems that my brain has forgotten how to prioritize information, memories, and sensory perception.  Everything I do, think, and experience is receiving the same (very high) level of attention. And it’s not just one thing at a time. Oh no, that would be too easy. Rather, it’s everything and it’s all the time.  No wonder I’m so exhausted – I can’t live on high alert and feel exuberant.

Why is all of this happening? Well, to be honest, I am not completely certain. I’ve had run ins with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia in the past.  I say it like that because I’ve been diagnosed, undiagnosed, and re-diagnosed so many times.. I’ve just given up on getting an answer.  However, there is definitely some sort of neurological/hormonal/immune thing going on. And that’s where the mufti-faceted possibilities start.

I have horrible allergies. I didn’t always, but I do now. It started around January and has just gotten worse. I now have “allergy induced” asthma and carry around an inhaler. I can’t breathe at night unless I wear nose strips. I am constantly sneezing, blowing my nose, and itching some part of my body.  It has not been pleasant but it’s been better than the heart issues.

Skipped beats, racing while I’m at rest, and just downright stopping for a brief (albeit scary) moment. These symptoms have gone on for the same time as the allergies, so they are probably related, but no doctor can tell me anything substantial.  Allergy shots would probably help, but I can’t afford that right now. 

Instead, I trudge through the days, trying not to snap at people or walk off the job because I just can’t handle the sensory experience at that point and time.  My moods have plummeted and I just can’t seem to find anything worth getting off my ass for.  I just want to not be this way anymore. I can’t pinpoint anything else that I’d rather be doing.. I’d just rather not be living like this right now.

Uh, sorry for the possibly TMI vent. Just go about your day and forget all about it. This isn’t the information you were looking for. *waves hand in front of screen*

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