As of late, things seem to be getting me down more than usual. I constanly feel as though my skin is crawling, my brain is screaming, and that I’m not doing what I should at any given moment. This can lead to me being one of three ways. Let’s look into that, since it’s just so gosh darn interesting.
Number One: The Hulk
Yes, anger seems to bubble to the surface much more readily than in the past. I often find myself feeling the way that The Hulk has been described by Dr. Banner: an exposed nerve. It feels very similar. Every small inconvenience turns into a drama-inducing, feet stomping ordeal. A great example is from today, when Hubby aand I were cleaning house. Actually, I was cleaning the house because Hubby has not been feeling well, lately. I was fine with that – doing the dishes and thinking about how relaxing it actually is.. when Hubby pipes up, “How come the water is so blue?” He sticks his hand in my soapy water and rubs a soapy plate between his thumb and finger, making a contorted face that screamed, “You’re not doing this right.”
Well, that was all it took. I leapt into verbal action with, “What do you expect when you feel the soapy water? Of course the dishes are soapy, dumbass!” And, “If you want to stand around and complain about it, you can do the damned dishes yourself!” As well as several other gems. Hubby took this cue to mean that I was upset because he wasn’t helping clean. He made the bed and started to straighten up the bedroom. This just pissed me off more because, by this point, I just did not want to see his face.
I became more upset and started stomping around and slamming doors. Hubby had enough and went for a walk. He came back and looked at me cautiously, “Are you ok?” We had a talk and shared our versions of the situation. All was well. Until that nerve gets hit, again, of course.
Anger isn’t the only nerve being hit. Sadness and an overwhelming sense of doom isn’t much fun, either.
Number Two: Eeyore.
When I’m not angry beyond a reasonable expectation, I am sad. By sad I do not mean that “Aww” inducing feeling when you notice that you are out of chocolate ice cream. Rather, I am easily thrown into a pit of despair that has been dug by feelings of worry, doom, dread, and a general sense of suffocation. There are a lot of factors that exacerbate this. First of all, Hubby and I are living in a difficult situation with our landlord. They aren’t willing to fix things that are seriously wrong without raising rent (which is illegal according to the Indiana renter/landlord laws) and we are only willing to pay more rent once everything has been fixed. Being told by them that if we don’t like the deplorable conditions than we can just move out is icing on the cake. I won’t get into anymore of this situation, but it really just downright sucks.
Work, of course, is something that 90% of us worry about. My place of employment is undergoing a restructuring phase, so we are constantly changing the way things are getting done. It is getting to be a little stressful, but I am confident that it will return to normal one way or another. Other than that, I worry about finding a job that pays more, has better insurance, etc.
When all of this isn’t nagging me, I am constantly worrying that I am not spending my time in the most effective way possible. Constantly. I should be practicing drawing or the guitar, I should be working on that craft project, I should be watching online course work. Etc. Etc. Etc. It gets to the point that I’m exhausted from all the worrying and I don’t have any energy left to actually do anything.
This constant worry and combination of negative circumstances can lead me to fall into a nasty Depression. I get to feeling a lot like Eeyore and walk around thinking, “Oh well.. something else bad is just going to happen.” Very Eeyore-esque.
When I’m not feeling depressed or outright angry, I’m a sarcastic and snarky biatch.
Number Three: Oscar the Grouch.
Yup, just like Oscar, I get snarky and sarcastic about everyone else around me. From unnecessary comments to avoiding helpful actions, I can be downright mean and sadistic. I work hard to stifle this aspect at work, because it can degrade the teamwork effort. However, when I’m out in public, this is the side of me that tends to come out more readily. I guess it must show on my face pretty damn well. I was walking through the WalMart parking lot, today, when a complete stranger came up to me and asked me how it was going. He told me to smile and keep laughing, that the worst is almost over. I asked him if he was talking to me and then told him thanks and to have a good day when I realized that I was getting bitchy.
Still, being grouchy has become my go-to personality trait. I know that Hubby must be getting tired of it because I am getting tired of it. It’s just that laughing and smiling feel so fake right now. I do not feel happy. I do not feel content. I do not feel satisfied in life. I am desperately scrambling to find ways to change my circumstances so that these feelings will change, but the more I think about the circumstances, the more overwhelmed I feel.
In a nutshell, that is what’s going on with me. I know your life wasn’t complete without knowing all of this. You are welcome.